May 30, 2011

Really a bit cold, but also some peep

One man went to his family doctor, he asked:"doctor, I will to get married, but i and my girlfriend is the first time, you can tell us how to do?" doctor watching he grew up,and hear this question feel a little uncomfortable then looked outside and said: "Look over there,you see the park there are two dogs ? see what they are doing it? followed do it at the home." Two months later, they met again, the doctor asked:"how about sex life? man replied:"very well,but really do in the park is a bit cold,and there are some people peep."

May 29, 2011

Misunderstood by beauty

Xiao Ming went to school, his classmate asked:

Why do you have such a big black eye?

Xiao Ming: Not black eye ! was hited on the bus!

Students: beaten up? ! Whom to beat? Why did he fight you?

Xiao Ming: I see a girl's shirt was wrinkled on the bus, and I help her straighten,and the result is she hit me!

Students: what about another eye?

Xiao Ming: I want to say bad things happen to good people,so i help her get back to the wrinkled, not do that well, she hit me a punch!


May 27, 2011

Educational opportunities

Mr zhang attention a beautiful girl with long hair in the elevator,still stare, Mrs. Chang was very upset, and suddenly; the girl turned around and gave mr zhang a slap in the face and said: "I teach you next time don't pinches girls . "

When the couple out of the elevator,mr zhang was feel very puzzle: "I ​​did not squeeze her!"

"I know, " Mrs. Chang said, "But I pinched her. "

May 26, 2011

boring day

I'm a cashier,this afternoon my colleagues take a thousand dollars deposit to me which is customers pay for the morning.When use cash registers i find there more than two hundreds, my colleagues also see this.My colleagues say that customers do not know more two hundred dollars, simply we each one get one hundred.
I say no, have returned to the customer,should to be honest.
Then my colleagues speak up: Actually, I was deliberately testing you, as you are good.Put two hundred dollars off. . .
Beginning not to think about, and now think he is not boss,why test me.

May 25, 2011

we are all the same

a famous heart surgeon's motorcycle broken, to the repair shop after a  check is the engine bad , a skilled mechanic remove the engine and installed well, said to thedoctor : "The engine is the heart of motorcycle, and we are all the heart repaired, but why so big income gap? "
Doctors thought and
said to the mechanic: "You try the case without stop and repair it. "

May 23, 2011

marriage quotes

1, marriage and driving require licensing. Need a license to drive; marriage require marriage certificate.

2, marriage and cars need to run. New car glossy surface, but the internal mechanical not smooth , need to be polished; the beginning of the marriage need two mutual understanding, mutual tolerance, mutual adjust.

3, marriage and cars need maintenance. Car for long periods of maintenance,if not will turn off and strike; marriage for long periods of maintenance,if not will break down break.

4, marriage and car will finds fault with others. Open high-end cars will be envious by drive the broken car; happy marriage will be jealous by unhappy people .

5, marriage and cars are consumables. Driving in a long time, performance is getting worse, it can not open, you have to discard; marriage go for a long time, it will inevitably encounter problems, it can not continue to go out, you have to divorce.

6, marriage and cars and in a contact with the red light. Can not drive through a red light; marriage fear the red light district.

7, marriage and cars have weaknesses.Car fear of a mistake oil; marriage fear into other one.

8, marriage and cars need to concentrate. Must concentrate on driving,otherwise car crash,marriage can not be desert, otherwise you will way Of difference.

9, marriage and cars are safe havens. Car garage call safe haven; marriage harbour called home.

10, marriage and cars need fuel. Vehicle fuel is called petrol, no gas can not move; marriage of fuel call love, no love, marriage can not work to the old.

May 18, 2011

An elderly couple's date

An elderly couple talk about their youth, memories of the distant past,very excite , so they decide to do as young as they do.Decided a days to the river to dating.
That day, father pluck flowers, came to the river to wait, wait long and has not see the old lady, the night was coming, and he have to return home, to the house he saw his wife lying in bed covered with sheepskin coat.
Father cry: "how dare you  fail to keep an appointment? "
Old woman bury her face in the pillow,shy and say: "My mother not let me go. "

May 17, 2011

Buddhist monk

Hill has a buddhist monk, and he shelter a 8 years old monk. Mountain is very high, both teacher and student practice in the top of the hill, never down.
After 10 years, they down the mountain, the young monk see cows, horses, chickens, dogs, do not know. Zen master teach one by one: "This is called cattle,can plow; the horse, can ride; the chicken and dog could herald the time and guard the entrance. "
A moment later, there is a pretty girl walked. Monk asked in surprise: "What is this animal?"Jackson was afraid he moved worldly, scare and said: "This is called the tiger, man close to it, must be killed and eat, not even bones left. "
Back to the mountains at night, Jackson asked: "Do you remember that you see today? " the young monk replied: "do not remember the other, but I miss that man-eating tiger. "

May 16, 2011

prisoner mistreatment and laywers

1, guard comfort Condemned: Do not be afraid, very strong current quickly, without pain.
Then came the screams from a torture chamber.
Condemned trepidation: What was that?
Guard: power failure, they replaced the candles

2, two long-lost old friends met in the street, one on crutches. "how do you? "
Another asked with concern. "I met a car accident six months ago. "
"So serious, it is also used a cane! "
"The doctor thought can be lost, but my lawyer think that not. "

May 15, 2011

student jokes

1, a young female students into the Professor's office room, she quickly shut the door, pleading  said: "I ​​am willing to do anything, please do not fire me... "
She close to him, thrown light hair, with a meaning look  his eyes.
He looked at her back: "Anything? "
His voice softened: "Anything? "
He softly said: "That you will... hard to study it? "
2, one day our teacher teached two classes together,after one section finish,there no one to clean the blackboard, the teacher see that at section 2, very angry and asked: "why  student on duty not  to clean the blackboard? "
Then a voice said confidently: "those who created pollution who clean! "

May 14, 2011

intriguing joke

1, a people like vegetarian steamed stuffed buns,one day he found the price of it had rise,asked boss , "why risen vegetarian steamed stuffed buns? "
The boss said: "Because the meat go up. "
The man asked, "rise prices of meat,
why vegetarian steamed stuffed buns rise? "
Boss laughed: "the chef he would eat meat! "
2, a sister by train went home , is very crowded, ah, she was hungry, look at the crowded aisle sudden inspiration, then  carried box of instant noodles, walked and shouted: "Be careful the hot water ", then unobstructed.
A few minutes later, the sisters face the same route, carried
box and said:"Here, this time really boiling water! Really hot water!"

May 12, 2011

Drink joke

1,a husband drunk,went home late, always scolded by his wife.
One day, he came back much later than usual, and he carefully took off his shoes at the door,then crept to the child's cradle, humming a lullaby,and pushed the cradle.
His wife listened his voice, asked: "What are you doing?"
"Oh, you really not well!" He blamed his wife, "how do you become a mother? Child crying for over an hour, crying tired. I have rocking him."
"Are you kidding?" Said the woman, "The children have been sleeping on my side more than two hour."

3, An alcoholic met a friend, to pester to go to the friend's house to drink.
Friend said: "My family is too far."
"Never mind,not more than twenty or thirty miles."
"My family is very narrow, not well to hospitality."
"Can have a place to open my mouth just ok."
"My family did not have glass."
"I used to drink a whole bottle!"

May 10, 2011

general and adjutant

The general and adjutant ready to veterans, generals said to adjutant: "We can come to my home as steward! "
Adjutant: "Yes! general!"
General: "Tomorrow morning, as the army,at six o'clock wake me up on time! "
Adjutant: "Yes! general!"
The next day six, the adjutant come to the general's bedroom on time .  
Adjutant: "General! your time to get up! "
General very satisfied,feel back the troops.
general just want to praise the adjutant, saw the aide opened the quilt,patted general's wife on the ass! Shouted and patted: "The girl! morning, you should go back home!"

May 9, 2011

jokes about more to love

1, a lovelorn man to a friend's house, he said: "My girlfriend left me, and I didn't want to live."
Friends comfort: "Women are like clothes,want to take off to take off, what the big deal?"
Friend's wife just heard, angrily: "What? You give me say it again."
Friends smile apologetically, "My dear,I meanwomen are the pants, How can take off?"

2, a pair of lovers secretly talking.
M: You are the second happiest person in the world.
Girl: Why?
M: Because I have you, I'm the world's happiest people.
Woman: Well! However, I soon became the world's happiest people.
M: Why?
Girl: Because I'll be leaving you.

May 8, 2011

happy mother day:whenever the great maternal love

 maternal love
1, When go to school,mother said:when you graduate, mother will enjoy life.
Graduation,mother said:when you find a job,mother will enjoy life.
Work,mother said: waiting for you marry,mother will enjoy life.
Marry,mother said:when you give birth,mother will enjoy life.
Have a child,mother said:wait for your child grow up,mother will enjoy life.
Today's kids grow up, I said that you can enjoy a happy life, the mother said. . . . Heaven is very happy.

2, he go out battle, and before leaving,mother said:my child you should remember the way to home. He go to a strange city, with superb investment perspective,earn the first pot of gold. Since then, business is booming, and no one do not know his name in that city . New Year, the mother call him to come home to eat dinner, he always quibble busy. Because of his wrong decision in a business, make him bankrupt. He was force to go home. Mother just said: Just remember the way go home.

May 5, 2011

jokes about professional weight loss

1, "you have to lose weight!" The doctor advised the patient: "Now your occupation?"
"swallow the dagger in the circus. "
"You have to go on a diet,change it and swallowing needles from tomorrow, but not more than five a day. "

2 Before meal and after meal
A fat find doctor for weight loss drug. The doctor said: "You should drink tea. "
"I drink almost every day. "
"You should take more exercise, less sleep. "
"I only sleep three hours, most of the time in sports. " fat seriously said.
Doctor anxiously: "Well, you only eat a piece of bread every day, and will definitely lose weight. "
Fat man happy and said: "Great!, however, is to eat before meals or after meals? "

May 4, 2011

jokes about understand life

1, the difference between education
How do braised in meat?
Undergraduates that put the meat into pot and add something can cook;
Graduate student said that this is not enough,have to write how much meat, how many other ingredients, how to cook, and how long to cook;
After a month, Dr. write out a book called "how do braised in meat"to open the directory, "the first chapter, how raise the pig. "

2, the life, there are many fleeting, like a farewell at the station, just hugged each other ,suddenly already respectively. In many cases, you do not know, I do not know too,so,spoke to has changed,listens to tired, tired of watching, follow along slow, walked on scattered, love to light, and think let it pass.

May 3, 2011

young rascals husband

After marriage I found that my husband is a rogue. . . Before married My husband treated me very good, very rules
Won't tamper with my
But after marriage, he always sleepy next to me,and always wanted to take off my clothes! Once,even i take a bath, he would like to come! I do not know that he is such a person. . . He wanted to take off my clothes then I hit him, but also called him a stinking rogue. Later, he said nothing Now he sleeps next to the house. Is it education well by me? Married for almost six months, he did not talk to me. Also, why my students have children after marriage, we did not children? ? ?

May 2, 2011

talented kids

1, Mu classmate had an old watch which was broken,so he happily told his father by the video, want to let his father bought him a new .
When his father connet and he said: "Dad, my watch is broken."
Just listen to his father answered loudly: "Now 9:30!. "

2, she clenched her hand and said to me:dear brother, you guess how many pistachio nuts my hand have, if you guessed true, I gave you two nuts.
I contemptuous smile and told her: two.
After listening she loosen her hand and cried loudly: fault, is the one!

May 1, 2011

programer jokes

1,in the plane the two sitting next to chat: "Boxing is a great sport items! I love this sport, I was living depend on boxing, and find earned many of this year "
"So, you had a famous boxer? "
"No, No, I am a dentist"
2, a young man 
smoking a cigarette in the door of an office building, a woman passed, and she said, "Do you know this thing is hazardous to your health? I mean, you have not noticed cigarette case On the warning ? "
The guy says, "Nothing, I'm a programmer. "
The woman said, "so what?"
The programmer said, "We do not care Warning, only interested in Error "